How to take the keys away

Michele -

No matter what you do or how you do it, trying to take away part of your Dad's independence is going to be hard.

Really, without knowing him, it's hard to give you specific advice, so I will give you advice that has helped with current and past clients.

1. Does your Dad regard his doctor with the utmost respect and trust every word he/she says? Sometimes all it takes is a trip to the doctor and have the doctor explain why he shouldn't be driving. A client of ours absolutely refused to give up his keys until his doctor told him he should. He gave up his keys right then and there.

2. Does your father worry about losing his money? Explaining that an accident, no matter how minor, will cost money, might be a deterrent.

3. Does your father have a hard time dealing with stress? This feeds right in with number two. An accident could result in a law suit, which could last years. And the truth of the matter is, if there is an accident, some people automatically assume it is the elderly/senior person's fault. Dealing with lawsuits can be extremely expensive and stressful, especially if it results in the injury or death of another person.

4. Does your father have any trusted friends? Sometimes all it takes is for a non-family member to discuss giving up the keys. As a teenager, I'm sure you remember thinking your parents don't know anything, especially when it comes to you. Well guess what, now the parent is thinking the same thing about you -- you have no idea what you're talking about.

5. Never make a deal that a family member can keep their license it they can pass the DMV driver's license test. A client of ours who was in her 80's at the time was an awful driver - always swerving over the yellow lines and running into her garage. She ran over the neighbor's mailbox not once, not twice, but three times. Her family finally told her that she could no longer drive. Of course an argument ensued, so the family made a deal with her. If their mother could pass the driver's license test at the DMV, she could keep her license. From past experience, I knew this wasn't a good idea, but the family was positive that she wouldn't pass. They were wrong. It's amazing what people, even older people are able to do, when they put their mind to it.

Losing your independence can be frightening. Have you made any decisions about how your Dad will get around? Try to set up some sort of routine that he can depend on, if it's possible. Every Saturday at 10:00 am you go to the grocery store or on Mondays from 1:00 - 4:00 a sibling can be at Dad's disposal for whatever Dad wants or needs to do. Is there a friend who can pick him up and drive him to his regular card game on Wednesdays? Knowing that you already have plans in place and that he isn't losing all his independence might make it easier.

I wish you the best of luck.